Sunday, April 23, 2006
Since this is a blog, which is otherwise supposed to be my diary... and since you people want to know why I cried today, I guess I'll tell you people. After all, isn't a diary where you write your innermost thoughts?
I cried today not because of one incident, but because of built up emotions. They involve two things:
We all know that we have weaknesses, right? Of course, we aren't exactly proud of them, and we'd rather others not know about it. But we can't run away from our weaknesses. It's what makes us human. I, for one, am weak in quite a few areas. I'm humble enough to admit that to myself. So I'm not athletic, neither am I good at certain board games. I'm not that smart either. However, it's one thing to know your weaknesses, and it's another for people to tell you when you already know and then they make fun of it. I find it quite insulting. Nevertheless, I'm able to tolerate what people say, but my FATHER is a different story.
For those with siblings, I'm pretty sure you've experienced sibling rivalry. For some reason, people like to compare. So sometimes, I get compared to my sister. She's the more athletic one, she's the more intelligent one (I studied for PSLE while she didn't even TOUCH her books and she scored much higher than I did), she's also better at board games. She may be younger. But I do realise she's more skilled than I am. So these are two basic themes that caused my emotion.
I guess it began with the archery thing. Rachel apparently impressed Dad a lot - he went on about her a few days after. However, he told me that I was only so-so, or something along those lines. So I was kind of chucked aside. I felt, hurt, naturally, and slightly jealous I admit. But what Rachel did was really cool, and I can't be the only one he praises. So I got over my feelings.
Life went on, all was forgotten. Until a few weeks after, Dad said something again. This time I can't remember what, but it hurt my self esteem.Then I though, oh no, not again. Didn't I get over the emotions? I forced myself to forget it again, thinking I was being selfish and all that.
Then dance for easter came along, and one day after service we got a chance to practise on the stage. The thing was Rachel and I both forgot the steps. But you know what?? When we got down the stage and Rachel was with some other girls, Dad went up to her, and while I was walking past he put his hand on my shoulder, looked at Rachel and said, "I think you danced better than her." My brain froze for a split second before I continued walking. I was starting to get really angry. I worked as hard and this is what I get? If no one praised me, fine. But, he practically insulted me! Worse, there were other people there! Then I thought myself selfish again, I joined because I wanted to help encourage the tambourine group, but more importantly, dance for God. So I compresed my emotions further. Besides, Dad is honest by nature, and he didn't realise what he was doing.
I prayed then, that God would help me forgive Dad and let me move on with life. But praying about it, meant thinking about it. So awhile after, I decided maybe I should not pray, then I can forget about the emotions. It was so annoying, pray and not pray, pray and not pray. I just couldn't stop the emotions. Thankfully, they were still very mild emotions. So I could kind of handle them., I think.
On easter day itself, after the dance, I felt I kind of screwed up the performance and expected Dad to say something negetive. He did say something, but it was something good! I was kind of relieved I guess, maybe things will start to turn around. So I happily went about the rest of the day. There was even a youth outing to Pasir Ris Park!
Man was I wrong. Like I said, I know I'm not athletic(as in doing sports); not very fit either. It's kind of embarassing but true. So for soccer, I played a litte, but I'm not good at it. At least I tried right? Dad didn't notice, in fact, in front of everyone, he was like, "Sarah! You're so unfit!" As if it was so terrible and shocking. I felt that annoyance again and snapped at him, "I didn't care." I felt guilty for that later on, but at that moment, I wanted to hurt him because I felt hurt. It's like a tear that is slowly, and painfully, opening. I've yet to say sorry to him though. My pride won't let me.
After that, I got annoyed at every negetive comment my Dad made about me. I started to ignore him or avoid him. Then today happened. Iris and Jocelyn asked me to play Carom. At first, I was reluctant because I knew I was a lousy player. In the end, for the fun of it, I said yes. It started of ok, but later on, not only couldn't I get the pieces into the hole. I ended up minusing points. Rachel joined in after that, and it was as if I couldn't play anymore. Then the girls got so amused that I couldn't get the pieces in. Then Dad came.
That was it, I began preparing myself for worst. What I expected came true alright. It was another blow for me. But then he did something that I can't believe he did. He joked about me to Benita and Lydia!!! After awhile he said, "Why don't you let Benita play? I'm sure she can score more than you anyway." That was the limit. Not only did he say things to me, he said them infront of my friends, AND joked about my weakness!!!!! So I sat there trying to control the hurt. But I guess it didn't work, so I cried.
I hate crying in public, because to me, that's a sign of weakness. But I don't mind crying in private because it helps me to wash away the emotions. So I guess the crying was a good thing. Although it needed a better timing. I'm able to forgive my dad now. The hurt is no longer there. Guess it goes to show that my dad is human.
Though, once I've shared this. I hope you won't suddenly not want to share with him. My situation is different because he meant no harm with those comments. He doesn't even know he's hurt me. So it's ok to share with my dad, and yes, he does keep things confidential. Trust me, I live with him.
Also, I don't want to talk about this matter anymore. I may be humble enough to know what I'm not good at. But I'm still proud enough to not want to share things. I'd rather they be between me and God. I have to go now. Night
